So have you ever noticed when you are about to do somthing good for the spirit things around your ordinary life get jumbled. We are usually on time but this day Jason was running late. I am a bit upset because I had to get the girls ready and over to Michael's while he was doing whatever. In the car I wait and when he gets in. I am short with words. He asks if I am mad and I explain that we are going to be late and it would have been nice if he would have helped out and been ready on time. He sits in slience. We walk in and the huge heavy door is too much so he holds it for me. I feel rushed and nervous. I can never do it right when I am rushed. I hurry up the stairs and walk quickly to the room. Dang they have started. I sit and he sits but we are not by each other. There is no room. What a good thing. There is not room (Too MANY people) what a good thing.
Then a man comes and asks just to move rooms. I am put out and annoyed becasue I won't know anyone in the other room. I sit and listen to each word. Carfully trying to understand all the things the man is saying. Is there any hidden message I am missing. Then after a few moments it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel her. I can almost see her. My eyes swell with tears and I hold tight to that moment. Praying it will never end. I waited so long to feel it. I can actually see her and him. I would be her and who would be him. I feel my heart pounding and butterflies are increasing. Then nothing! Shoot is it gone. How to do I get it back. I frantically try to feel, think, imaging anything to get it back. I look around. Will anyone ask what is a matter with me or why I am crying. No one seems to notice. Then the man asks if anyone has any questions? Why did he ask? No one before has asked? Maybe he could ready my mind after all I was consentrating so hard my eye sight was fuzzy. Then he explains somthing I thought I knew. At first he seems to distact. I was not sure he was the best man for the job. But who was I to judge. Then the hour is up. I walk out sad to be leaving. I am usually in a hurry to get the girls. But tonight I wasn't. I wanted to stay. As I look up I notice she is crying too. Did she feel it like I had.
Probably!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
WHY I LOVE MOM
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, 'I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed'.
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's
lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer
for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels,
filled the sugar container, and put spoons and bowls on the table. She then put
some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the
washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the
game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger
and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants,
emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry..
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by
the desk, wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for
the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair
Wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her marykay face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her
night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her
teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'
'I'm on my way,' she said
She put some water into the dog's dish, then made sure the doors were
locked, and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside
lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the
hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing
homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing
for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three
things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her
prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in
particular. 'I'm going to bed'
And he did, without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
Cause we are made for the long haul....(and we can't die sooner, we
still have things to do!!!!)
Thanks for the story Michael. Some nights this is so true. I guess mom was not the only woman like this.
getting late. I think I'll go to bed'.
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's
lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer
for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels,
filled the sugar container, and put spoons and bowls on the table. She then put
some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the
washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the
game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger
and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants,
emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry..
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by
the desk, wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for
the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair
Wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her marykay face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her
night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her
teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'
'I'm on my way,' she said
She put some water into the dog's dish, then made sure the doors were
locked, and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside
lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the
hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing
homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing
for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three
things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her
prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in
particular. 'I'm going to bed'
And he did, without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
Cause we are made for the long haul....(and we can't die sooner, we
still have things to do!!!!)
Thanks for the story Michael. Some nights this is so true. I guess mom was not the only woman like this.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Are you a baby
Brikelle sucks her thumb. At 3 months old we thought it was cute. Not so cute at 3 years old. So this is how our conversation went on our way to school.
Mom:Brikelle take your thumb out of your mouth
Brikelle: Sighs
Mom: Brikelle are you a baby?
Brikelle: No
Mom: Thanks for taking your thumb out. You are a big girl
Brikelle: I am not a big girl I am a medium girl
ha ha ha
Last night at 10:00 this was our conversation
Brikelle sneaks into our room. I ask what are you doing? She replies I have to go potty. Here is the rest of the conversation.
Brikelle on the toilet looking at a magazine. 15 minutes later...
Mom: Brikelle, (no answer). Brikelle what are you doing? (no answer)15 more minutes later
Mom: Brikelle are you pooping?
Brikelle: YESssssssssss pause silly
10 minutes later Jason comes in and tells her to go to bed. She calls out to have me tell Jason she is pooping. I tell him to leave her alone. He insists she does not have that much in her tiny body. As Jason and I laugh at Brikelle singing and flipping through a magazine Jason mentions she is just playing us. So I yell hey whoever goes to bed can have a bite of my donut. She flys off the toilet and says...
"Hey I am going to bed". Takes half the donut and heads to bed.
Mom:Brikelle take your thumb out of your mouth
Brikelle: Sighs
Mom: Brikelle are you a baby?
Brikelle: No
Mom: Thanks for taking your thumb out. You are a big girl
Brikelle: I am not a big girl I am a medium girl
ha ha ha
Last night at 10:00 this was our conversation
Brikelle sneaks into our room. I ask what are you doing? She replies I have to go potty. Here is the rest of the conversation.
Brikelle on the toilet looking at a magazine. 15 minutes later...
Mom: Brikelle, (no answer). Brikelle what are you doing? (no answer)15 more minutes later
Mom: Brikelle are you pooping?
Brikelle: YESssssssssss pause silly
10 minutes later Jason comes in and tells her to go to bed. She calls out to have me tell Jason she is pooping. I tell him to leave her alone. He insists she does not have that much in her tiny body. As Jason and I laugh at Brikelle singing and flipping through a magazine Jason mentions she is just playing us. So I yell hey whoever goes to bed can have a bite of my donut. She flys off the toilet and says...
"Hey I am going to bed". Takes half the donut and heads to bed.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
It came I conquered and won
Okay so every April 15 I don't have a break down every April 15 in fact it has been okay for a few years now, but I could feel it coming when I woke. The weather was the same as it was 9 years ago. I sense that I was feeling mixed emotions. As I talked to my sister I realized that she was having an okay day and so should I. That is until I got into work. Found effort after effort was back firing on me. Then all of a sudden I felt something inside push me up. I have not felt that for two years. "I am better than this" I have said those words so many times to so many people but I truly felt it today. I sit and can feel the tears as people look at me. "WHY" am I about to cry what is this I am feeling. Then clearly the words come to me "SELF RESPECT, no its SELF VALUE". I hold it together until my mentor senses the tension and bluntly asks "what is up." Trying at that moment to decide if I should continue fake it or let it go. Obviously I am not a good faker everyone can tell something about me is different. So I open my mouth and the flood gates pour out 2 years of frustration, weakness, and desperation. One positions herself a way but that does not stop me. For she started this process. A bad thing for us turns out to be a great thing for me. I can barley get one word out between by hiccups of emotion but I take a deep breath. Then she saves me and calmly understands that I want off this ride. She relives me of guilt and prides me on feeling again. Was I really that numb. Maybe I had to be to make it this long. I started to hate who I was becoming and the reasons why. And now bad timing and all I realize that my family comes first and pleasing myself feels so much better than pleasing others.
Bad timing... yup but who decided the bad timing. Why do I have to time my meltdowns to accommodate others. I was honest, factual, and for once my feelings mattered more than hiding to save face. Was this all because it was the 15 of April? I believe I had strength because it was that day but these feelings were not from unresolved issues with my mom. I came to terms that she is not coming back after two years of her being gone. I am not sure what it is about two years but it seems it takes that long for me to get the hard lessons.
I am grateful for one thing... I came a weak person and I am leaving strong. They gave me that and I will always remember that through the disrespect and tears. I learned and I taught. If only all of us can be that lucky at every job. Things are different now and that won't change. So April 15 it came I conquered and won. Maybe April 15 should not be a day of dread but a day of power.
Bad timing... yup but who decided the bad timing. Why do I have to time my meltdowns to accommodate others. I was honest, factual, and for once my feelings mattered more than hiding to save face. Was this all because it was the 15 of April? I believe I had strength because it was that day but these feelings were not from unresolved issues with my mom. I came to terms that she is not coming back after two years of her being gone. I am not sure what it is about two years but it seems it takes that long for me to get the hard lessons.
I am grateful for one thing... I came a weak person and I am leaving strong. They gave me that and I will always remember that through the disrespect and tears. I learned and I taught. If only all of us can be that lucky at every job. Things are different now and that won't change. So April 15 it came I conquered and won. Maybe April 15 should not be a day of dread but a day of power.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Dreading April 15 for another reason
I wonder if it was a coincident that she left on April 15. I feel that day the world morns with me. For different reasons yes but still I can trick my brain and that is comforting.
Some may ask "how do you do it" I am not sure. It has to be a lot of help from up above. As I talk with Michael about the past, I realize that I have forgotten a lot. My worst fear. I don't remember EVERYTHING about her. I start and panic have I started to make up my own memories because his memories don't match mine. Then an overwhelming feeling "It does not matter" my memories are mine.
As a prepare for a lesson it is necessary to go through her things. Journal, cards, pictures, and more. I realize the best memory is her laughing uncontrollably. The other is too special to share but those close already know it. I watched a video of her and Bryson as a baby. She would have been the best grandma to my kids. She would have spoiled them, tended them, taught them, and most of all loved them. I find myself making reasons why she had to die. Maybe I would have abused the fact that she would tend anytime, any lengh of time, even over night. Would I be close to her or Jason because when she was around I chose her before anyone. The fact is that I just am hoping the hurt and realizing all the things she and I are missing out on will stop. But I fear it stopping completely. Her voice is still clear as though she was standing next to me. Smells are fading but I know what she liked and anytime I forget I just walk in to Nordstroms and pick up a bottle of beautiful perfume and it all comes rushing back. I miss Louie. His new life does not include me as much. Though he tries with bi-weekly calls and lunch now and then I lost him too. We talk about it and he knows but I wonder if seeing me is hard for him. He is always talking about her to me and I think we both wish she was still here. It is days like this that I want to just go back home and hang out with her. I get mad thinking that I was thought of as being strong enough to handle this trial. I get mad that when I want mom advice I have to guess.
It is hard days that I really have to compartmentalize my life. The loss of control and not being able to fix it that makes my heart ache. It does not last long but it is so intense that it shouldn't and can't last long.
SO when the 15 rolls around I like to think the whole world feels my pain even if it is for a brief moment. Then I turn my focus to the wonderful things I have and make sure to make each memory and each moment last. Life is too short to have a lot of "WHAT IF's". She taught me that. And Music plays on....
Some may ask "how do you do it" I am not sure. It has to be a lot of help from up above. As I talk with Michael about the past, I realize that I have forgotten a lot. My worst fear. I don't remember EVERYTHING about her. I start and panic have I started to make up my own memories because his memories don't match mine. Then an overwhelming feeling "It does not matter" my memories are mine.
As a prepare for a lesson it is necessary to go through her things. Journal, cards, pictures, and more. I realize the best memory is her laughing uncontrollably. The other is too special to share but those close already know it. I watched a video of her and Bryson as a baby. She would have been the best grandma to my kids. She would have spoiled them, tended them, taught them, and most of all loved them. I find myself making reasons why she had to die. Maybe I would have abused the fact that she would tend anytime, any lengh of time, even over night. Would I be close to her or Jason because when she was around I chose her before anyone. The fact is that I just am hoping the hurt and realizing all the things she and I are missing out on will stop. But I fear it stopping completely. Her voice is still clear as though she was standing next to me. Smells are fading but I know what she liked and anytime I forget I just walk in to Nordstroms and pick up a bottle of beautiful perfume and it all comes rushing back. I miss Louie. His new life does not include me as much. Though he tries with bi-weekly calls and lunch now and then I lost him too. We talk about it and he knows but I wonder if seeing me is hard for him. He is always talking about her to me and I think we both wish she was still here. It is days like this that I want to just go back home and hang out with her. I get mad thinking that I was thought of as being strong enough to handle this trial. I get mad that when I want mom advice I have to guess.
It is hard days that I really have to compartmentalize my life. The loss of control and not being able to fix it that makes my heart ache. It does not last long but it is so intense that it shouldn't and can't last long.
SO when the 15 rolls around I like to think the whole world feels my pain even if it is for a brief moment. Then I turn my focus to the wonderful things I have and make sure to make each memory and each moment last. Life is too short to have a lot of "WHAT IF's". She taught me that. And Music plays on....
The Power of Music
So I love my blog. It is becoming my journal. So fear about putting too much information on the web but I truly do treasure it and I use it for me. I write things I want to remember. Why not a journal some may ask it is the music that makes me want to write. I love all the songs listed and each one has a different memory. So I thought I would list the power of music
1. Makes cleaning more fun
2. It can put you in a better mood
3. It brings back memories..some good...some not so good
4. It makes you feel young
5. It makes you feel like you truly are a good singer
6. It makes you workout enjoyable. Unless you are doing #5 on my last post
7. It teaches you
8. It makes you smile
9. It makes your kids laugh and want to dance with you
10. It tells a story, makes you feel and heals parts of stories that are broken
It does a lot more but the 10 reasons listed work for me.
1. Makes cleaning more fun
2. It can put you in a better mood
3. It brings back memories..some good...some not so good
4. It makes you feel young
5. It makes you feel like you truly are a good singer
6. It makes you workout enjoyable. Unless you are doing #5 on my last post
7. It teaches you
8. It makes you smile
9. It makes your kids laugh and want to dance with you
10. It tells a story, makes you feel and heals parts of stories that are broken
It does a lot more but the 10 reasons listed work for me.
Decisions are getting made
So there have been a lot of decisions that are necessary for my life to go on. Here they are in no particular order.
1. Continue to work or quit
2. Remodel the bathroom or do the yard
3. Get a puppy or not
4. Lose weight naturally or not
5. Study for the NCE or not
6. Take Keltsie again to puppy school or not
7. Go with Stacy to Hawaii or not
8. Go to Vegas or not
9. Clean the house or not
10. Allow TV to the girls or not
Since it is Spring Break what a wonderful time to answer and act on these decisions.
So
1. I will leave MLA June 1st after my girl graduates
2. We are going to remodel the bathroom and Jason is going to do the yard
3. No puppy until #6
4. Yes I am going to do it. 550 calories each day gone from treadmill and #5
5. See number 4
6. Going to get two assessments and yes she is going
7. Easy I was not invited :(
8. Maybe if we can find people to go with...any takers
9. Ha ha done
10. New rule, one show in the morning (30 min)and at 7:00 pm TV is off and we are having time together. I hope this will help Brikelle get and stay in bed longer ha ha ha
So yes we did have a productive Spring Break
1. Continue to work or quit
2. Remodel the bathroom or do the yard
3. Get a puppy or not
4. Lose weight naturally or not
5. Study for the NCE or not
6. Take Keltsie again to puppy school or not
7. Go with Stacy to Hawaii or not
8. Go to Vegas or not
9. Clean the house or not
10. Allow TV to the girls or not
Since it is Spring Break what a wonderful time to answer and act on these decisions.
So
1. I will leave MLA June 1st after my girl graduates
2. We are going to remodel the bathroom and Jason is going to do the yard
3. No puppy until #6
4. Yes I am going to do it. 550 calories each day gone from treadmill and #5
5. See number 4
6. Going to get two assessments and yes she is going
7. Easy I was not invited :(
8. Maybe if we can find people to go with...any takers
9. Ha ha done
10. New rule, one show in the morning (30 min)and at 7:00 pm TV is off and we are having time together. I hope this will help Brikelle get and stay in bed longer ha ha ha
So yes we did have a productive Spring Break
Monday, April 6, 2009
Unanswered Prayers
So this title seems so cliché but I think there is a time in everyone life when they can relate to title. I recently have had a lot to think about. Why certain things happen. I have been going through my mom’s journal and old pictures. Memories flow through me and I remember feelings that occurred during that time. I wonder why people come in and out of our lives. Some of them seem so important at the time and others just seem to be there. I found out some interesting news and I finally can put to rest some unresolved feelings. I feel pretty lucky to be where I am today. I love my life and at times I feel undeserving of it.
The life I thought I wanted before does not seem so desirable now. The people who were so important back then don’t matter now. Would I take it back no. Would I do things different, sure! I would have believed in myself more and respected me for me. I would have embraced my talents as much as my faults. I would have stopped trying to please others and just been pleased with myself. I could be somewhere I am not sure I would have wanted to be. So I thank those who stepped in and those who walked a way. I can admit there were times when people stepped in too late. But guess what… I am there. Running into old acquaintances can be rewarding but there are some that can be distracting. Sometimes the past needs to be kept in the past. DUH it is the past right? So how is it that my focus is to teach my GIRLS’ how to walk a way from those who don’t value them? Yet for a moment I forgot who I was, and for a brief moment I went back to that girl who just could not measure up. What makes a good therapist? Being real even when it hurts. Being honest about struggles but quickly remembering who you are now. I am too strong to let anyone take that away now. SURPRISED? Well I guess you don’t know me very well. She gave me the strength but I had to lose her first. Somethings just don't get easy with time.
The life I thought I wanted before does not seem so desirable now. The people who were so important back then don’t matter now. Would I take it back no. Would I do things different, sure! I would have believed in myself more and respected me for me. I would have embraced my talents as much as my faults. I would have stopped trying to please others and just been pleased with myself. I could be somewhere I am not sure I would have wanted to be. So I thank those who stepped in and those who walked a way. I can admit there were times when people stepped in too late. But guess what… I am there. Running into old acquaintances can be rewarding but there are some that can be distracting. Sometimes the past needs to be kept in the past. DUH it is the past right? So how is it that my focus is to teach my GIRLS’ how to walk a way from those who don’t value them? Yet for a moment I forgot who I was, and for a brief moment I went back to that girl who just could not measure up. What makes a good therapist? Being real even when it hurts. Being honest about struggles but quickly remembering who you are now. I am too strong to let anyone take that away now. SURPRISED? Well I guess you don’t know me very well. She gave me the strength but I had to lose her first. Somethings just don't get easy with time.
Friday, April 3, 2009
This is how we do it
I have not written in a while because life is just rolling along. However I wanted to share a conversation I had with Jason and Brikelle.
Brikelle and I were driving to the doctors. I stopped at a red light right by McDonalds. In the parking lot was a big sign that read "LAP PUPPIES".
Me: Oh Brikelle look puppies
Brikelle: Oh mama I want to hold one
Me: Maybe on the way home we have to get to the doctors.
Me: You will have to show daddy the puppies and ask him to buy you one. (they were really cute)
Brikelle: Okay I will ask daddy.
A few hours later we are all driving in the car.
Me: Hey look the puppies are still there.
Brikelle: Daddy I want to hold one
Jason: sigh and pulls into the parking lot
Jason: Well go see how much
Me: Really are we going to get one
Jason:No
Me: Fine lets go
Brikelle: Crying I want to see them.
I go ask how much and get one to hold
Me: Oh Brikelle look
Dog licks Brikelle
Brikelle: Oh daddy he like me. He likes me a lot
Addi: Dog peeese. Yelling Dog peeeeeese
Jason: okay give him back
Brikelle: NO I WANT TO KEEP HIM
Me: can we get one
Jason: NO
Brikelle: Please can we keep him
Jason: Not right now honey
I take the dog and give him back. Brikelle is crying and Addi now is watching Brikelle and starts to cry too.
Me: Brikelle why are you crying.
Brikelle: Because I want a puppy
Me: Well talk to dad
Brikelle: Daddy please
Jason: Not right now honey
Brikell: Mommy lets me and you go and get the puppy
Me: why
Brikelle: Because daddy said no and I want one.
Brikelle: Take daddy home and get me a puppy
Me: but daddy said no
Brikelle: but I say yes
Me: what should I do
Brikelle: get me a puppy
Jason: Brikelle I said no
Brikelle: I was talking to mom, dad
Brikelle: If dad says no I am going to have mom do it
Brikelle: Take dad home mom
Jason: fakes sad
Brikelle: well then get me a puppy and then you won't be sad
I give it a few months before we have another puppy. I am glad my girl is learning how to work it. Jason informs me that night. "You are going to regret you taught her that when she is 16" probably right LOL
Brikelle and I were driving to the doctors. I stopped at a red light right by McDonalds. In the parking lot was a big sign that read "LAP PUPPIES".
Me: Oh Brikelle look puppies
Brikelle: Oh mama I want to hold one
Me: Maybe on the way home we have to get to the doctors.
Me: You will have to show daddy the puppies and ask him to buy you one. (they were really cute)
Brikelle: Okay I will ask daddy.
A few hours later we are all driving in the car.
Me: Hey look the puppies are still there.
Brikelle: Daddy I want to hold one
Jason: sigh and pulls into the parking lot
Jason: Well go see how much
Me: Really are we going to get one
Jason:No
Me: Fine lets go
Brikelle: Crying I want to see them.
I go ask how much and get one to hold
Me: Oh Brikelle look
Dog licks Brikelle
Brikelle: Oh daddy he like me. He likes me a lot
Addi: Dog peeese. Yelling Dog peeeeeese
Jason: okay give him back
Brikelle: NO I WANT TO KEEP HIM
Me: can we get one
Jason: NO
Brikelle: Please can we keep him
Jason: Not right now honey
I take the dog and give him back. Brikelle is crying and Addi now is watching Brikelle and starts to cry too.
Me: Brikelle why are you crying.
Brikelle: Because I want a puppy
Me: Well talk to dad
Brikelle: Daddy please
Jason: Not right now honey
Brikell: Mommy lets me and you go and get the puppy
Me: why
Brikelle: Because daddy said no and I want one.
Brikelle: Take daddy home and get me a puppy
Me: but daddy said no
Brikelle: but I say yes
Me: what should I do
Brikelle: get me a puppy
Jason: Brikelle I said no
Brikelle: I was talking to mom, dad
Brikelle: If dad says no I am going to have mom do it
Brikelle: Take dad home mom
Jason: fakes sad
Brikelle: well then get me a puppy and then you won't be sad
I give it a few months before we have another puppy. I am glad my girl is learning how to work it. Jason informs me that night. "You are going to regret you taught her that when she is 16" probably right LOL
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
