Dreading April 15 for another reason

I wonder if it was a coincident that she left on April 15. I feel that day the world morns with me. For different reasons yes but still I can trick my brain and that is comforting.

Some may ask "how do you do it" I am not sure. It has to be a lot of help from up above. As I talk with Michael about the past, I realize that I have forgotten a lot. My worst fear. I don't remember EVERYTHING about her. I start and panic have I started to make up my own memories because his memories don't match mine. Then an overwhelming feeling "It does not matter" my memories are mine.

As a prepare for a lesson it is necessary to go through her things. Journal, cards, pictures, and more. I realize the best memory is her laughing uncontrollably. The other is too special to share but those close already know it. I watched a video of her and Bryson as a baby. She would have been the best grandma to my kids. She would have spoiled them, tended them, taught them, and most of all loved them. I find myself making reasons why she had to die. Maybe I would have abused the fact that she would tend anytime, any lengh of time, even over night. Would I be close to her or Jason because when she was around I chose her before anyone. The fact is that I just am hoping the hurt and realizing all the things she and I are missing out on will stop. But I fear it stopping completely. Her voice is still clear as though she was standing next to me. Smells are fading but I know what she liked and anytime I forget I just walk in to Nordstroms and pick up a bottle of beautiful perfume and it all comes rushing back. I miss Louie. His new life does not include me as much. Though he tries with bi-weekly calls and lunch now and then I lost him too. We talk about it and he knows but I wonder if seeing me is hard for him. He is always talking about her to me and I think we both wish she was still here. It is days like this that I want to just go back home and hang out with her. I get mad thinking that I was thought of as being strong enough to handle this trial. I get mad that when I want mom advice I have to guess.

It is hard days that I really have to compartmentalize my life. The loss of control and not being able to fix it that makes my heart ache. It does not last long but it is so intense that it shouldn't and can't last long.

SO when the 15 rolls around I like to think the whole world feels my pain even if it is for a brief moment. Then I turn my focus to the wonderful things I have and make sure to make each memory and each moment last. Life is too short to have a lot of "WHAT IF's". She taught me that. And Music plays on....